Bruce forwarding Wayne Enterprises advertisement emails to Tim for him to deal with only to realise too late he’s actually been sending them to Jason.
He only finds out as he’s driving down town and sees a giant billboard reading ‘Wayne Enterprises. Our CEO is getting plowed by Superman. Can you say the same for yours?’
Suprisingly, the share price goes up.
(1) Tim knew this was happening. He could have stopped it. Instead he smoothed the way to ensure that Jason’s efforts would see print.
(2) This leads to a campaign in Gotham that “Brucie Can Do Better.” Because Superman is, of course, from Metropolis and that Cannot Stand. If Brucie Wayne wants a hero, Gotham has a homegrown one he can screw around with: Batman.
(3) Not only does Bruce start to receive letters asking him to break up with Superman and start seeing Batman instead or letters talking up Batman while talking trash about Superman, but Batman starts getting encouraged to ask out Mr. Wayne. Like, criminals will, mid-fight, ask Batman if he’s seeing anyone and talk about how he can’t let Metropolis win over Gotham by dating Bruce.
(4) Every other bat and bird is 100% into this joke and will banter with the mooks, sharing that Batman is, in fact, single. And discussing ways he could woo Bruce Wayne or that Brucie could woo him.
(5) Since Superman doesn’t have an address, a group of young citizens in Gotham pool their money to take out a full page ad in the Daily Planet that is an open letter to Superman telling him he doesn’t deserve Bruce Wayne and that he should break up with him immediately.
(6) Lois finds this all incredibly hilarious and during her next impromptu interview with Superman, she asks about Bruce. The wounded look Clark sends her is captured on film and gets memed.
(7) Bruce wants to remove the billboard. His Board refuses. Business has never been so good. Tim makes a motion to entrust outreach and public relations to Jason full-time.
(8) For this reason and this reason only, Jason has regrets.
9) The billboard is across the street from the local LexCorp subsidiary.
dick grayson is at once an only child (of his parents and bruce), an eldest child (of the batkids), and the youngest child (him and bruce)
he’ll give Damian the hat off his head if the sun is in his eyes and he’ll fix the rearview mirror specifically so the sun will go in Bruce’s eyes when he’s the one driving
every time Bruce tries to fix it Dick is like “do not touch while i’m driving. we could get into an accident”
and then at the stoplight he tilts it again so the sun will get in Bruce’s eyes even harder
Bruce sits there all squinty eyed just waiting for the car ride to end so he can be like “of all the brats I’ve ever met—” (because he only ever calls Dick a brat, no one else, and it doesn’t matter how old Dickie gets, he’s a brat)
but the minute he opens his mouth Dick is like “oh my god you are so controlling like I cannot even drive a car?? And you are trying to fix my mirror?? Bruce that’s not very ‘road responsible’ of you” (throwing the phrase Bruce used all the time when Dick was learning to drive)
and Tim, in the backseat, so quiet that both Dick and Bruce have almost forgotten that he’s there, pipes up, “That is messed up, Bruce”
“thank you, Tim,” Dick says, voice aggrieved and face absolutely as smug as can be (only Bruce can see it). “Now you know what I have to deal with all the time”
#I’m desperate for fics where dick & Bruce act more brother-ish than father/son-ish#the comedy potential is unmatched#let Dick Grayson be a gremlin!!!! (via @taerrorize)
“You’re an asshole!”
“You’re an asshole.”
Dick’s mouth fell open. For a moment he looked hurt, and Bruce’s heart gave a sharp pang. He made to move towards him. But that feeling dissipated the next instant, for Dick opened his mouth impossibly wide and hollered, “ALFRED! Bruce just called me an asshole!”
“Master Bruce,” came Alfred’s voice from down the hall. “He is twelve years old.”
“Yeah,” Bruce called back, meeting Dickie’s smug eyes, “a twelve year old asshole.”
ykno that john mulaney skit where he talks about how kids are mean. i want to see that applied to young heroes and villains. like deathstroke will be facing off against robin and he just goes “you look like your favorite sport is golf” and deathstroke is just. out of comission for the rest of the month. rethinking his life choices.
Even better: make it one of his own kids. He makes some sort of reference and Rose is like “catch up with the times gramps they stopped making those like a billion years ago” and he just. Stops. Because didn’t he just see one yesterday? What?! No no no it’s still current. Right? Rose! Rose, I need you to look something up on “The Google” for me…
you’re twelve years old and you break your father’s hand when he hi-fives you. the first thing you learn is that the smallest slip up can hurt the people you love. your (foster) father smiles and says it’s okay (it’s not).
your parents are not your parents. the idyllic farming community that raised you is not your home. you’re a You-Don’t-Know-What from You-Don’t-Know-Where. all you know for sure is that you’re not human.
so you can fly. so you can run fast. so you can lift cars. so what? why do you even have this power? what should you even do with it?
your father said do what’s right, so that’s what you do.
you stop a robbery. the man’s knife shatters against your skin and you see the same fear in his eyes that you saw in your father’s when you were twelve. you catch a falling child before it can hit the water. his mother looks at you like you’re a god.
they love you, even though they don’t know you. the most powerful man in the world hates you because they love you.
you wanted to write when you were younger. you wanted to tell stories that needed to be told. you never wanted to star in them. you never wanted super-geniuses and demi-goddesses looking to you for advice; like you have any idea how to handle threats to reality itself. you’re just a kid from smallville who’s trying to do the best he can with what he’s given.
you try and get back to the farm as much as you can. it feels normal being back among the open wheat; where everyone smiles because you’re that nice Kent boy.
when you were younger, you pretended to fly, hands out to your sides and running through the tall grass by the river. it doesn’t look as beautiful from on high; the details get lost and the colors of your hometown blur together from a mile above ground.
the problem with flying is that it puts you so far above people you care about
“oh but Superman is such a boring c-“ shut up shut up shut up forever.
One of the keys to Bruce and Clark’s friendship is Bruce going ‘powers shmowers you think your godlike strength makes you infallible and above people? You’re just some dude in a cape. Who’s an idiot.’
Clark: Oh thank God. This guy gets it.
Bruce *expecting arrogance*: wait what
Clark: yesterday I accidentally locked myself out of my apartment in my underwear trying to get the mail and I forgot I could just break the door open. I stood there for an hour waiting for the locksmith to open before I remembered.
Bruce:….
Clark: I’M AN IDIOT OK, I’m just a guy, I have no idea what I’m doing
Bruce: I hate how endearing this is. Stop making me like you
Clark: if I get my mom to make you lemon squares will you teach me how to pick a lock
Bruce: I SAID STOP
Nightwing & Red Hood
By Jordan Gibson
8 year old Dick’s third trip to Bruce’s office and being so helpful that he pressed ALL the elevator buttons so that they could shout good morning to each floor
*ding*
“Dick, this is the eighty-second floor, could we please–”
“Good morale is a preeminent factor in all workplace environments. I saw it on Discovery Science, CSPAN, and also Bill Nye. HELLO EIGHTY-SECOND FLOOR!”
25-year-old Dick doing the same exact thing. The people on the floors now yell back.
Ok, but consider-
Dick teaching this to Damian. Using all the argument he’s built up for Bruce over the years and, “Yes Damian this is important to workplace moral”.
And Damian has no choice but to believe Dick that,
This is just how things are done
because everyone yells back.
Jump to Bruce being worried about taking Damian to the office with him for the first time and Damian is just like, “tch, Do not worry Father I have been trained on proper workplace procedure.” Which only had Bruce more worried until Damian proceeds to hit every single elevator button and, when the doors open, in his most proper voice, “Salutations Second Floor.”
There is of course a chorus of “Good Morning"s and “Hello Damian"s
Bruce is so completely frozen in shock that doesn’t say anything as the process repeats on every single floor. and he can only nod and say “Good Job” when Damian looks to him for approval once they’re done.
What if boys were adopted since baby
except Damian.
battinson deserves a snarky 10 year old damnit
some birds
Batman: *to the Justice League* This is Robin. He’s in my care from now on.
Robin Dick: *emitting light from his smile* hi!
Justice League: Awwww! He’s really cute but Batman, are you sure about this?
Batman: I’ve never been more sure.
JL: okay…
Dick: I’m robin! i’m 8! And you guys are the coolest people ever!!
JL: *melting into a puddle of love*
Hal Jordan: Man, how’d you pop out a kid like this bats?
Dick: He didn’t. I adopted him.
Hal: what?
Dick: He’s under my care now, all opinions and complaints about his behavior go through me.
Hal: uh. Well in that case, I feel for ya kid because Bats is a-
Dick: denied.
Hal: what?
Dick: your complaint is denied. rejected. unforgiven.
Hal: …..???
Dick: bye.
Batman: *tearing up behind his mask* Best. Decision. Ever.
Hi! Quick question to Nightwing fans
Is he well, mentally?
no.
i thought i lost you (again)
gffa:
Absolutely PHENOMENAL Christmas tree, it’s apparently HAND MADE out of BATARANGS into the shape of a tree, and then the star on top IS A STARRO that Alfred hands to baby Dick to put up.
Completely unhinged, utterly batshit, and wholly perfect. These weirdos should never change.
A lotta y'all be writing Dick as this terminally lonely man with no friends like 3/4s of the DCU isn’t fighting over who gets to be his emergency contact
ok but it’s because I write him either after Blüdhaven gets nuked or he returns from Spyral so he has just been isolated from everyone. and. Dick is incapable of accepting help from his friends for anything personal and is shit at maintaining friends and romantic relationships.
he has half of the hero community in his contacts and will drop everything to help his friends, but who does he call when he’s low? no one.